Saints & Souljahs,

 

You know your boy is an idiot, right?  A severely wounded souljah who never gives himself enough time to be healed of his injuries in spiritual warfare and is in need of God's grace, mercy, love and chastening and restoration (all of which He is faithful to provide in His own way, in His own time).  To wit, my spirtual Multiple Personality Disorder consists of the different e-mails with me completely stepping away from ministry one minute and jumping back in to CERTAIN aspects of ministry the next.  I will endeavor to be concise, but bear with me.  Here's my dilemma...

With everything going on in my family and personal life (and please note, that while I am candid about my health issues...I actually downplay the severity/intensity of much of it), I am not fit to lead or be in anything resembling "public" or "pastoral" ministry (I make the distinction, because as Christians we are all ministers and every area of our lives is a ministry).  I do indeed need to let the LORD do what He's doing with me solo and focus on being a father to my sons.  But here's my problem...I would love to just kick back and do the 9-5 thing and work so I can be completely stabilized and providing for/foucused on my family...but my health issues are still very much a challenge...they are more of an intense distraction than anything else at this point...but the point is that I cannot work a standard 9-5, 8-hour-a-day job...I've tried and tried...but I am so very frustrated because I can't keep working jobs and be calling out sick everytime my eyes and vertigo and body aches kick in (which is pretty much every other week...one minute I'm up the next I'm down and there's no real pattern...I'm struggling even as I write my e-mails, but at least with that and all my other writings I can take an hour to compose an e-mail if I need to or 3 days to write a poem or close my eyes while in the studio recording or rest my eyes for days whenever I need to)...and I am certain there are things that can be done to help me be in better physical condition to work 8 hours a day five days a week, but I don't have health insurance...and even if I did, it would still be a process as jacked up as I am and have been for some time...

 

So what am I to do?  The only thing I know to do in light of the above is to focus on being entrepreneurial (ergo, aggressively pursue putting out my book and my cd's and in the meantime trying to work from my laptop doing data entry or medical billing or something at my own pace from home...but I need some direction on how to pursue that). 

 

I'm so tired of being in physical and emotional pain all the time...but I also get tired of having to rest up all the time...so I try to find things that I'm ABLE to do (like writing my poetry and devotionals, and recording and performing and whatever else I can do that allows me to ignore my constant pain and discomfort).  Every job I've been able to obtain or that has been available to me puts tremendous strain on me physically.  (Remember, it's not just my eyes that are my hinderance...they are simply the most severe issue I have...but there are others...when you add it all together...it's too much sometimes and I can't function).  So I need the LORD's clear direction on what I am to do.  Everyone has great suggestions that sound nice practically, but often don't fit the specifics of what's really going on with me.

 

Now I feel like I'm just rambling and venting...and I write these numerous e-mails because while these things are near-impossible to articulate verbally (it's too complex and convoluted), I still need to get things off my chest.  But when some of you call to talk to me about these things you'll notice I don't have a whole lot to say in response to what I'm being told.

 

So why am I writing?  So you can continue to be specific in your prayers for me and so you can have a clearer picture of what I'm dealing with (many of you do, but I assume nothing in anything and I want things to be clear).  Jesus is LORD...I am taking a deep breath...calming down now...letting Him do His thing.

 

Victorious (If Not In This Life, Definitely In The Next)...

 

Your Servant & Brother in Christ,

Jediael "The Preacha Poet" Johnson
www.myspace.com/thepreachapoet

Copyright©2008 Jediael Johnson